The last 5 weeks has been a ride on an emotional roller coaster. Though truth be told its one that I have been on for a several years for various reasons. You can read more of my story here
There have been times of deep joy and deep sorrow. Times of trust and times of much suspicion. There have been times of great clarity and times of great confusion. Times of break through and times of hitting the wall. Times of feeling alive and times of feeling truly numb. A time of belonging and a time of being ostracised. A time of marriage and a time of divorce and a time of marriage again.
Several years ago I suffered a debilitating illness which paralysed me on my right side and hospitalised me for 2 months. During the 12 months or so before that incident my then wife was demanding I go and have the snip. I was never against the idea of having the snip, and even saw the GP for a referral for such.
However I never went through with it for my wife would say once you have it, I am going to divorce you. At the same time she would say things like… If I get pregnant I will make you pay for it. I will never forgive you for it. I will never accept the child. What will people think of me if I get pregnant at the age of 40… and so on. If you don’t get the snip and I have a child I will make you both pay for it. And so the verbal threats and abuse would continue.
I had only been in hospital for a week and my then wife told me she was pregnant and what was I going to do about it? I love kids. Having another child wasn’t a bad thing for myself. But in the state of weakness and confusion I was in I prayed;
Lord, I can’t do a thing right now…I don’t want to bring a child into this world whose mother has promised to reject and make me pay for. I am struggling handling what has happened to me now. “HELP”!
A few days later she told me she had a miscarriage and I was filled with a mixture of sadness and relief. Mostly relief.
I was sad because of lost opportunities. I would have loved to have a daughter. I was not sad however that my ex had miscarried… I was relieved that a child would not be brought into the world who would face rejection by the mother and a child whom would watch the mother abuse her husband.
About 5 weeks ago my new wife announced she was pregnant. While some doubts and issues from the past rose up, I become really proud and looked forward to being a dad once again…only for my wife to become ill with the flu and we lost the baby last week and my wife required a number of visits to the doctors and day surgery.
Today we went to a nursery and after a lot of looking around and prayer we bought 2 Azaleas called “Happy Days” and “Christmas Cheer” and planted them into some large ceramic pots and quietly prayed and read psalm 139 and the ending of psalm 138.
While we mourn the loss of life and the loss of the future of that life… today we also celebrated the goodness of God and are able to say Lord, though we don’t understand; together we will stand and continue to trust you.